How Your Love Language Affects Online Dating

At the beginning of any relationship, communication is fairly easy. Caught up in the emotional high of a new fling, we often find that our differences make us more attractive. However, if one of those differences is the way you communicate, it may pose a problem down the line.

According to the author, Ph.D., and marriage counselor, Dr. Gary Chapman, we each have a tendency to express love in one of five ways. He calls these forms of expression “the 5 love languages” and wrote about them in the best-selling book of the same name. Find out which love language you speak by taking the official love languages quiz online. His idea is that, by identifying the source of conflict, you can learn to give and receive love in more meaningful, constructive ways.

In the 25 years since it was published, The 5 Love Languages has developed a cult following with people who want to improve their relationships with others. That means married couples and people in long-standing relationships, but it also means families, friends, coworkers, and singles in the market for love, including online daters.

The concept of love languages may have come long before online dating became standard fare, but it remains as relevant as ever. Though the internet allows us to connect with more people, more easily, it can make meaningful communication very challenging. Identifying the different love languages you and your potential partner speak can bridge that communication gap and help establish the foundation of a strong and healthy relationship.

Keep reading to find out how love languages affect online dating and how you can use them to boost your chances of finding a partner.

Starting the Conversation

For suitors in the digital age, dating means weeding through a seemingly endless pool of people on online dating sites and apps. Mentioning your love language in your dating profile is both an easy way to eliminate incompatible dates and start a conversation. Because the love languages were established as a way to improve communication and build durable relationships, this is a great tactic if you’re seeking a long-term partner.

For fear that it might be too heavy a subject, or too fast, too soon, it can be intimidating to broach with a new person. But consider the worst that could happen – if they’re not willing to create an open channel of communication, it might just be that they’re not in the same headspace as you. But when you start a conversation about your different love languages with the right person, you open up an important dialogue about communication.

That said, you don’t have to ask someone their love language to figure out how to best communicate with them. You can determine it on your own by paying attention to the way they interact with you and others. Notice the kinds of questions that ask, the things they complain about, and the way they carry themselves physically.

The 5 Love Languages & How to Speak Them Online

Identifying someone’s love language is just the first step to building a solid relationship. It’s how you use that knowledge that matters.

Here are brief descriptions of the five different love languages and some helpful tips for speaking all of them online.

Words of Affirmation

For those whose love language is words of affirmation, rhetoric is tremendously important. More than just hearing “I love you,” they look for verbal confirmation that their partner appreciates and is proud of being with them. Compliments on appearance or performance go a long way with these people.

Apply it online – These people will demonstrate their sincere interest in dating someone using long and possibly frequent messages. To show someone with this love language that you are interested, demonstrate it by sending them longer, more thoughtful responses, rather than short ones. Occasional little messages, as simple as a  good morning text when you wake up, will go a long way to show you’re thinking about them.

Acts of Service

This doesn’t mean waiting on someone hand and foot. It simply means doing little gestures to show them that you are paying attention and that you care. People with this love language appreciate when their partners do unasked favors and demonstrations of love, such as chores around the house to make their lives easier or giving them a massage to help them unwind.

Apply it online – When it comes to online dating, an act of service that resonates with people who speak this love language is planning the first date. Relieve them of that stress by taking cues from your conversation and the person’s dating profile to come up with a date idea that caters to their interests. You can even go the extra mile and order them a taxi to or from the date!

Receiving Gifts

Though it may sound like a selfish love language, it’s actually more sentimental. These people aren’t seeking lavish presents; no, what they seek is some kind of physical token that shows love. They appreciate thoughtful gifts like a memento from a first date or something that their partner has hand-made.

Apply it online – Even if you haven’t met the person with this love language in real life, you can still make an effort to communicate in their love language. Try sending them a gif, video, or song that relates to something you’ve chatted about or that you know that person likes. And when it comes time for a first date, a simple gift like a bouquet of flowers will make a lasting impression.

Quality Time

According to a survey by EliteSingles, this is the most common love language among Americans, perhaps because intimate one-on-one time is the clearest way to show love. For these people, it doesn’t matter if it’s a romantic date or a cozy night in, as long as it’s just the two of them. Spending time together to talk and cuddle is crucial to relationships with these people.

Apply it online – When getting to know these people through online dating sites, remember that quality is what’s most important to them. That means engaging in a quality conversation online, none of the standard, boring chitchat. These people value intimacy, so show them your capacity to be intimate by sharing meaningful details of your life and inquiring about theirs. And when you get to the first date, avoid noisy, cramped places and opt for someplace you can talk and really get to know each other, like a quiet coffee shop.

Physical Touch

People who speak the love language of physical touch use their bodies to communicate and experience love through physical affection. Though sex is an important part of love for these people, physical touch doesn’t always have to be sexual. It may be a hug, holding hands, a back rub, or playing with their hair. For them, emotional closeness is akin to physical closeness.

Apply it online – Because of the nature of online dating, there isn’t an obvious way to express this love language online (unless you’re using a hookup site). If you haven’t met someone offline yet, it might be difficult to learn that their love language is physical touch. What you can do, however, is look for signs in their photos and how they speak. If their dating profile has pictures of them hugging friends, or if they use the kissy face emoji, for example, they may be more like to value physical intimacy as an expression of love.

Be Bilingual

When considering love language as a factor in online dating, don’t make the mistake of only searching for others with the same love language. Sure, it makes communication easier, but it’s not a requirement for compatibility. As mentioned before, our differences can make us more attractive to our partners and keep the spark alive in a relationship.

The whole reason Dr. Chapman established the love languages was to help people learn to communicate between them. Soon, you’ll start to recognize the patterns of love languages you see online and communicating with dates online will become a whole lot easier.

Finally, for even more advice on the five love languages, check out the affiliated podcast and app and keep an eye out for one of Dr. Chapman’s marriage conferences at various locations across the U.S.