Why Your Situationship Hurts More Than Your Long-Term Relationship (LTR) Breakup

I felt the first bitter sting of pain that only the end of a brief and sticky situationship can cause—just six months after breaking up with my boyfriend of five years. I was already falling apart, drowning under the heavy weight of guilt and loneliness, desperate for anything to dull the ache. Meeting new people seemed like the answer. Somehow, it made me feel less alone.

I wasn’t exactly healed, and honestly, I probably shouldn’t have been dating anyone. But I was young, inexperienced, and felt gut-wrenchingly alone. I had been so used to sharing my life with someone, and suddenly, that someone was gone (thanks to me, I might add). So, I opened Tinder, and as irony (or karma?) would have it, my first match would lead to my first, and worst, situationship heartbreak.

If you’re looking for some comfort from someone who’s been there, my story’s below. But if you’re here to figure out why situationships hurt more than long-term relationships, feel free to skip ahead!

The Beginning

He was cute, and lived nearby. We’d spend our evenings in his living room, listening to his carefully curated playlists, humming along to Smashing Pumpkins (a band I forced myself to enjoy), drinking cheap red wine. I met his roommates, giggled as he’d compliment me in front of them. They’d tell me how into me he was. He’d tell me how into me he was.

I made the mistake of telling him I wasn’t looking for anything serious, because I wanted to be that ‘cool, chill girl’. He definitely took my words at face value. Deep down, I expected him to fall in love with me. After all, I hadn’t really been rejected before. This would be a painful first, as I fell into a delusional spiral, imagining it would naturally evolve into something deeper.

And at first, it seemed like it might. We went to live shows in the city, kissed in the rain, went to get burgers. We spent late nights together laughing, and talking about the future. Even his cat liked me.

I would wake up beside him in the morning with a giddy smile on my face. I told myself that these weren’t just moments—we were building something. But oh, was I wrong. At the three-month mark (why is it always three months?), things started to shift—subtly at first.

The Beginning of the End

He started getting “busy” on weekends and leaving me on read. The few texts he bothered to reply to were reduced to an occasional lol or haha, and I could feel him pulling away. No more asking about my day, no plans, just short, curt replies that made me feel like I was annoying him.

Finally, I asked him what was going on, convincing myself I was imagining things even though deep down, I knew I wasn’t. He fed me the classic line: “I just need space.” Relieved it wasn’t over, I hurriedly replied that I understood and that of course, he could take all the time he needed. He sent back “You’re the best” with a smile emoji and a heart. He must have been relieved that I was being so understanding. So mature. So… stupid.

Weeks passed by. I texted again, spiraling with anxiety. He repeated that he needed space but never officially ended things. Why would he? Keeping me on the hook worked perfectly. I told him to text me “whenever,” and he promised he would. But we never spoke again.

The End

I couldn’t stop torturing myself. I still followed him on Instagram, and just weeks later, there it was: a story of her. A girl. With his cat. It was the confirmation I didn’t want but couldn’t avoid. He had moved on. And quickly, too. The pain was searing. There was nobody like him, no one could ever compare! The rose-colored glasses were on, and they didn’t come off for a good two years.

I didn’t understand why the pain was so raw, why it felt like this wound was refusing to heal. How could a brief three-month situationship hurt more than a five-year relationship ending? But it did.

At first, I didn’t even try to shake the obsession that this had turned into. But eventually, I got tired of feeling that way. He would keep uploading photos of him and his gorgeous girlfriend, someone he was obviously more than willing to commit to, and I couldn’t believe I was still pining after him. She was the one—and I wasn’t. It was exhausting.

And honestly, I still ask myself, why does a situationship hurt so much? Why does it feel like such a profound loss? It’s the question that keeps popping up everywhere—from TikTok rants to late-night group chats with your besties. As it turned out, I wasn’t the only one spiraling over this. That tiny bit of validation helped, sure, but like everyone else, I was desperate to figure out why.

What Is a Situationship? How Is It Different from an Actual Relationship?

Let’s start at the beginning. What is a situationship? And how is it different from an actual relationship?

A situationship is that maddening, in-between phase where you’re not just casually dating, but you’re definitely not in a relationship either. Because, well, nobody has defined it. It lacks a label and the obligatory ‘I love you’ that would turn it into an actual relationship.

It’s all the vibes of being together—Netflix marathons, inside jokes, even meeting their cat—but without the commitment. Sound familiar? Yeah, it’s that gray zone where you’re constantly asking yourself, “What are we?” and, worse, never really getting a straight answer.

Situationships are built on potential, not promises. Unlike an actual relationship, where you know where you stand (even if it ends), a situationship leaves you spiraling with those pesky unanswered questions.

Why Does a Situationship Ending Hurt More Than a Long-Term Relationship Breakup?

Let’s get straight into it. When my situationship ended, I scoured the internet for some kind of logic. Why did my 3 month situationship hurt more than my previous breakup with a man I had loved for 5 entire years? Actually, why do situationships hurt so much, period?

According to relationship psychologist Dr. Melissa Weinberg, it’s due to the ambiguity.

“When there are no clear boundaries or commitments, individuals are left to constantly wonder about their partner’s feelings and intentions,” Dr. Weinberg explains. “This uncertainty can create a heightened state of emotional vigilance, which is exhausting and emotionally draining.”

That kind of mental gymnastics is exhausting. You’re not just dealing with heartbreak—you’re coming down from months of emotional overdrive. No wonder you’re drained. Situationships don’t just leave you hurt; they leave you questioning everything, including yourself.

Here is what I’ve realized.

You’re Mourning a Fantasy, Not a Reality

In a situationship, you’re not grieving the person you were with; you’re grieving the potential of what could’ve been. You’re mourning the adventurous vacations you never took, the concerts you would have attended, and the cozy Sundays on the couch that you imagined would happen one year from now when you’d live together.

When I was basically broken up with (or rather, semi-ghosted), I was devastated. Yeah, we did things together—but I kept imagining the future, making up a whole life that we hadn’t even yet experienced. I was in love with the possibilities, and the fantasy I had created out of what could have been.

The truth is, fantasies are perfect because they exist in your imagination. In real life, he might’ve been terrible at planning trips, hated long flights, or been grumpy when things didn’t go his way.

But I’ll never know, and that’s what made it so painful. Instead of letting go, I clung to the dream of how great it could have been—and nothing in reality can ever compete with that.

The first few months are also when people tend to show up as their best selves. My situationship never got to show me his ugly side… until, well, he did.

With my long term relationship (LTR), I knew everything about him. I knew that he was lazy, that he didn’t like my music, never did the laundry, and that his mother despised me. I knew what it was like to travel with him, to argue with him, to be loved by him.

We had arguments, and there was never an enigma. I was never trying to solve him. I knew what our future looked like—and my experience wasn’t all unicorns and rainbows.

They Didn’t Even Try

Why didn’t he want to try?

In my long-term relationship, we tried. We had arguments, compromises, and moments where we both fought to make it work. When it ended, I could walk away knowing we gave it our all.

But in my situationship? He didn’t even bother. He didn’t want to try, didn’t want to fight for me, didn’t want to see if there was something real there. And that hurt more than anything. It felt like a rejection of me. Like I wasn’t worth the effort. Like I wasn’t enough.

When you feel like someone didn’t give your romance a real shot, it can cut deep.

You Feel Like It’s Your Fault

Spoiler: it’s not.

When my situationship ended, I didn’t just feel sad—I felt stupid. How did I not see this coming? Was I delusional for thinking this could turn into something more? Why did I let myself fall for someone who clearly wasn’t on the same page?

The self-doubt is relentless. You start questioning your judgment, your worth, and whether you’re even capable of recognizing red flags. In a long-term relationship, you can look back and see where things went wrong, but in a situationship, there’s no roadmap. Just a lot of “what ifs” and “should haves.”

Attachment Styles Play a Role

If you don’t have a secure attachment style, a situationship breakup can feel like it’s ripping open an old wound. It plays into fears many of us developed in childhood—that someone we care about might leave without warning or that we can’t depend on the people we love.

A long-term relationship usually provides some level of security before it ends, but a situationship? It’s instability from the start. And if you’re naturally drawn to people who feel unpredictable or unavailable, the emotional rollercoaster of a situationship might feel familiar, even if it’s incredibly painful.

You’re Mad at Yourself for Caring

Unrequited love sucks. Most people experience it at least once in their lifetime. And it’s hard to admit that you have or had real feelings for someone who didn’t feel the same. It can feel embarrassing to be upset over someone who probably didn’t think twice about you.

But here’s the thing: your feelings are valid. Just because it wasn’t labeled a “real” relationship doesn’t mean your emotions aren’t real. It’s okay to grieve the loss of something you hoped for, even if it wasn’t what you thought it could be.

Signs You’re in a Situationship—For Next Time

So, how do you know if you’re in a situationship (or even a long-term situationship)? Sometimes, it’s obvious. Other times, it’s harder to spot. Looking back, I kind of knew we were in the “friends with benefits” zone, but as the connection deepened, I expected things to progress. They didn’t—and all the signs were right in front of me.

Here’s the thing: if you’re asking yourself, “Am I in a situationship?” you probably are. Because if it were a real relationship, you wouldn’t have to wonder—they’d tell you.

A quick overview of the telltale signs:

• They Use Noncommittal Language
• There’s No Natural Growth or Milestones
• You Aren’t Exclusive
• You Only Make Short-Term or Last-Minute Plans
• There’s no Consistency
• They Make Excuses Not to Hang Out
• Dates Are Just Dinner and Lead Straight to the Bedroom
• No Talk of the Future
• You’re Constantly Anxious
• They Tell You (or Show You) They Don’t Want to Get Serious

They Use Noncommittal Language

Have you ever wondered aloud, “What are we?” and gotten the response, “Let’s see where it goes,” “I’m not ready,” or “There’s no rush”? These are usually the telltale signs that the person you are with isn’t thinking about committing anytime soon—or ever.

This usually points to them leaving just enough ambiguity to keep you hopeful, but in reality, they enjoy the benefits of being in a relationship without the label.

There’s No Natural Growth or Milestones

Healthy relationships evolve over time. You meet each other’s friends, celebrate anniversaries (even the small ones), and start building a shared life. In a situationship, this kind of growth is missing. Everything feels compartmentalized—you might spend time together, but you’re never integrated into their world. No meeting their family, no tagging along to important events, and definitely no conversations about the future.

The length of the situationship matters, too. If you’ve been stuck in this gray zone for months or longer without any progress, it’s a clear sign that at least one of you isn’t interested in taking it to the next level.

You Aren’t Exclusive

In a situationship, exclusivity is rarely on the table, even if you’ve never explicitly agreed to keep things open. They’re dating others, and you’re supposed to be dating others.

Deep down, you might feel like exploring other options would be ‘cheating,’ so you stay loyal to someone who’s clearly not offering you the same in return. This alone is a sign that you’ve likely developed deeper romantic feelings than you intended.

You Only Make Short-Term or Last-Minute Plans

When someone is truly invested, best believe you’ll be a priority in their schedule. They’ll make plans with you well in advance to show you that they’re seriously interested.

In a situationship, everything is last-minute or up in the air. Conversations revolve around the present—What should we eat? Wanna come over?—with no mention of future trips, celebrations, or even next weekend.

This lack of planning isn’t just thoughtless—it’s deliberate. If they’re not in it for the long haul, why bother talking about it? It’s easier to keep things light and temporary, which leaves you feeling like you’re just filling time, not building something real.

There’s No Consistency

One of the most frustrating parts of a situationship is the inconsistency. Some weeks, they’re texting nonstop and planning hangouts like you’re the center of their world. Other weeks? Radio silence.

If you find yourself wondering why things feel so unpredictable—whether it’s the frequency of your dates or how often you talk—it’s because they’re not prioritizing you in a meaningful way.

They Make Excuses Not to Hang Out

In a real relationship, people make time for each other, no matter how busy life gets. In a situationship, though, you’ll hear every excuse in the book: Work’s crazy right now, I’m too tired, I have to hit the gym. Sound familiar? It’s usually not because they don’t have time—it’s that they don’t want to put in the effort.

Dates Are Just Dinner and Lead Straight to the Bedroom

What started as fun, creative dates—concerts, hikes, or movie nights—has devolved into the same routine: dinner and then heading straight to the bedroom. The emotional connection feels like it’s taken a backseat to the physical, which makes you wonder if they’re even interested in you beyond something casual.

No Talk of the Future

You never talk about the future with one another.

Want to plan a weekend trip, talk about meeting their friends, or even figure out what you’re doing next month? In a situationship, these conversations don’t happen. Whenever you try to bring up anything remotely future-focused, they brush it off with something vague like, “Let’s see what happens.” 

The truth? If someone isn’t talking about the future with you, they’re not picturing you in it.

You’re Constantly Anxious

Oh my goodness, the anxiety. It really does a number on you. What are they doing? Who did they post? When will they want to hang out again?

While situationships are often framed as “low-pressure,” they can be anything but. The uncertainty and lack of clarity can leave you feeling anxious and emotionally drained. If you’re obsessively counting how long they took to reply and timing your own response to match, it’s a clear sign you’re in deep.

They Tell You (or Show You) They Don’t Want to Get Serious

Honestly? When you’re in a situationship, you’ll probably know—because they tell you. And they show you, too, just for good measure.

They say they’re not looking for something serious. They explain that they’re not ready. They don’t want to commit.

If someone tells you they’re not looking for commitment, believe them. And if their actions—like inconsistent effort or avoiding emotional depth—back this up, it’s time to stop hoping they’ll change.

Getting Over a Situationship Breakup

And now, for the million-dollar question… how do you get over a situationship breakup?

I’m not gonna lie, it isn’t easy. At least, it wasn’t for me. And if you’ve read up until this point, I bet you’re pretty invested, so it might not be for you, either.

On the bright side, there are things you can do to make yourself feel better. And by doing these things, you could speed up the healing process.

So, getting over a situationship… how do you start?

1. Realize They’re Not Your Person

Easier said than done, right? And this one probably stings. Especially if you still hold some hope that you might end up together.

I know you thought they could be, but the right person for you wouldn’t let you go so easily. If they couldn’t invest in the potential of a relationship, then they weren’t invested in you.

And no, it’s not worth waiting around for them to figure things out. Could it be bad timing? Maybe. But wasting months or years of your life hoping they’ll choose you is not only disempowering—it’s heartbreaking.

If they let you go, you need to let them go, too.

2. Be Kind to Yourself

Stop beating yourself up for being so upset. Your feelings are valid. You’re mourning a loss—not just of the situationship, but of the potential and excitement you felt. That kind of disappointment hurts, and it’s okay to grieve.

But be careful about the story you tell yourself about this ending. If you frame it as proof that you’re unworthy or that love isn’t in the cards for you, you’ll internalize that belief, and it will shape your reality. Instead, remind yourself: It didn’t work out because they weren’t right for me—not because there’s something wrong with me.

3. Ask Yourself: What Did I Learn?

Every experience, even painful ones, can teach you something. Take a step back and reflect:

• Why were you drawn to this person? What did they represent to you?
• What needs were they fulfilling, or what void did they seem to fill?

Sometimes, an intense attraction has more to do with us than the other person. Maybe they were confident and charismatic, and you admired those qualities. Maybe they reminded you of someone from your past, like an ex or even a caregiver, and being with them felt familiar.

If your dating life feels like déjà vu—always chasing emotionally distant or unavailable people—it’s worth asking if there’s a pattern you need to break. Situationships often reveal what we need to heal in ourselves.

And sometimes, it’s less complicated than that. Maybe you were bored, lacking fulfillment in other areas of your life, and latched onto them as a distraction. Either way, take what you’ve learned and use it to grow stronger and wiser.

4. Invest in Your Social Life

Call your friends, grab brunch, or plan a night out—because your social connections are literally lifesaving. According to Dr. Vivek Murthy, former U.S. Surgeon General, loneliness can impact your health as much as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Yes, 15.

Strong social ties don’t just boost your mood—they improve your physical health, sleep, and even your lifespan. Staying connected helps reduce stress, counter feelings of isolation, and reminds you that you’re surrounded by people who love and value you.

So, text the group chat and show up for the people who show up for you. Your health (and heart) will thank you.

5. Forgive Yourself and Move Forward

This part takes time. It’s easy to spiral into thoughts like, why didn’t I see this coming? How could I have been so naïve? But you’re human, and caring about someone isn’t a flaw—it’s actually a strength. Forgive yourself for feeling heartbroken. Forgive yourself for hoping they’d be your person. And then, make the conscious choice to move forward. You deserve someone who matches your energy, your effort, and your excitement for the future. The sooner you let go of what wasn’t meant for you, the closer you’ll be to finding the love you deserve.

Plus, hey, on the bright side, your person is still out there waiting for you! Once I finally got over my situationship, I tried dating again. And, as luck would have it, the next person I dated actually was ‘the one.’  Moreover, I never expected that I could be loved in such a wholesome, real, and endearing way. I met him on eharmony, but if you’re still considering which app would be right for you, check out our detailed comparison. Why not give it a shot?

And if you’re not quite sure how to begin a conversation, here are 34 conversation starters that can help you out. Remember, you’re worth investing in, and just because this time things went wrong, it doesn’t mean that next time, things won’t go right.